9 Month Ramble
It has been nine months since September 9th, 2023. Nine months since my son, Jack passed away unexpectedly. Nine months since I hugged my only son. Nine months since we laughed together and talked about the future. Nine months of missing Jack. Nine months of the painful emptiness without Jack.
It all feels so wrong, so raw and so unfair. It is not okay. It wasn’t okay while he was suffering and fighting to manage his mental health and substance use disorders and it certainly is not okay that he is no longer here to fight them himself. He was only 22 years old. He had so much yet to learn, teach others and life to live.
Jack had hopes, dreams and plans that inspired him. He had experiences, knowledge and passion to help others. He was still finding his way as many do at the age of 22. He lived through experiences no one would imagine in his 22 years and kept fighting despite the challenges. He inspired me and he inspired others while navigating his battles and setbacks. He took ownership of his illnesses as best as he could. He didn’t want this. He didn’t choose this.
Loving someone who battles mental health and substance use disorders is not easy. Losing them is even harder… It is traumatic, complicated and not how life or death should be. If you or someone you know have struggled with these illnesses then you get it. If you are fortunate enough to have not been touched by these diseases…be grateful and please be kind to those who are.
The fallout from loving someone with a mental health/substance use disorder is devastating. There are so many ripple effects that affect more than the person diagnosed with the disease. It is heartbreaking, gut-wrenching and cruel at times. The disease fools you at first. It confuses you. It tricks you and it manipulates you. There is so much you don’t know about the devastation it causes and what you will be put through in the process. Remember, It is a disease, not a choice.
In my son, Jack’s situation the turn from mental health to substance use began with smoking marijuana with friends in high school. How fortunate for so many of them that they did not have the predisposition for mental health and addiction as Jack did. It latches on to you. It controls you. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It is not who you choose to be. It is who the disease chooses you to be.
It takes hold of you and your mind, your personality and your family in a way you can’t control. It makes you and those around you do things that you and they never expected in hopes that things will be different, things will change. The hope that tomorrow will be better. It is important to hold on to that hope as that hope is the spark that can help you find help, get help and begin to turn things around. It is not as easy as it sounds, it is oftentimes a repetitive process of getting help and starting over. It takes a very brave person to do this over and over and to never give up hope.
I will never regret all the things I did to help my son and the time spent with him fighting these diseases. From doctor visits to harm reduction, to meeting him where he was to many sleepless nights and days worrying, to hospitals to rehabs to outpatient programs. Jack (and I) continued to have hope.
Losing a child is not something that I will ever get over. It has been nine months. Check in on those who are grieving no matter how long it has been. No one should go through this alone.
I carried Jack in my womb for nine months and I will carry him in my heart forever.
ALWAYS BE KIND and NEVER GIVE UP HOPE on the people in your life.
Mindy