Some Days I am Not “Ok”
Some days I am ok. Some days I am not ok. “Ok” is the most benign adjective I can use to describe my existence of staying afloat in grief. In grief, I have had unexpected moments that have swept me off my feet. Grief sometimes arrives as a wave of raw emotions that are full of sadness and hurt. Other times, grief appears in thoughts filled with what will never happen, didn’t happen or can never happen. There are other days when the absence of my son’s presence, laughter, wit and love will bring me to my knees. It feels never-ending. It hurts and there is no normal to imagine. It is not ok.
Grief is with me every single day. It is a normal response to the great loss of someone deeply loved. One way to process my grief and thoughts has been by writing. Another way is by reading articles and books. Since Jack’s passing, I have been reading a book titled “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine. It is a book about grief and loss.
I have had a real love/hate relationship with this book. Grief is very personal and hearing someone else’s interpretation of their grief and circumstances can seem challenging and almost confrontational at times. Grief isn’t a competition. It is very unique to the griever and their relationship to the one they lost. This book brought up a lot of emotions and challenged my thoughts on grief. It took me several months to get through this book as I was not “ok” and I am still not “ok”. As the author taught me, that is “ok”, after all, I will never be the same again. There is no past normal to return to.
I have spent years solving problems and actively helping myself, my children, my family and others. That is my “normal” way to live and operate. This book introduced me to the concept that grief is not a problem to solve. As a helper, a doer and a person who loves to solve things this is where I hit a wall. I am grieving and it can’t be solved? Woah, Megan….say this again? No matter how hard I grieve it is not going to solve what is causing the pain: the loss of my son, Jack? For me, this was a huge reality to accept. This acceptance is now a part of my new normal.
Losing Jack unexpectedly at the age of 22 on 9/9/23 wasn’t my first go-around with grief. I have lost friends, family and loved ones before. I have grieved the loss of my mother from breast cancer in 2001. I grieved the loss of a child during my second trimester before my pregnancy with Jack. Losing a child is devastating. This was an out-of-order death. This is not how things are supposed to happen. The reality is I will continue to lose more people I love throughout my life. Loss and grief have left me finding and living a new normal.
As painful as these events were they were all different. With each of these losses, I became different. Through time I could come to some form of acceptance of grief as these loved ones were no longer here. I could make sense of my grief as most of these losses were people older than I was. We have a natural understanding and acceptance that our parents/elders are supposed to pass away before us. I guess It is how the math works and the fact that we all must pass away at some point that allows us to accept their passing. It is the out-of-order deaths that disrupts normality on a whole different playing field.
Grief is deeply personal. It is something that a lot of us don’t fully understand how to navigate or help others go through the grieving process. The author of “It’s Ok That You're Not Ok” shares with her readers a helpful website: https://refugeingrief.com/resources-for-supporters
This site guides those who are looking to support someone grieving.
What is something that I want you and others to understand about grief after losing a child? I want you to know that it is ok to talk about them. It is ok for you to bring them up in conversation. It is ok to share a funny story, photo or memory. In grief, you want to know that others are still thinking about the person you lost and that they will be remembered. This is especially true with the loss of a child. This was an out-of-order death and we aren’t meant to go through this alone. This just may help me and others grieving be “ok” from time to time in our new normal.
Always be kind,
Mindy