Meeting Your Child Where They Are:

This isn’t the life you ever expected for your child. How did they ever get to this place? This certainly was not in the parent books you read.  This is not what I was expecting or prepared for either. Take a deep breath. This is where you are now and no matter how you got here this is the place you should start from. 

Meeting your child where they are. This sounds so easy yet so daunting. Most likely because you do not want to accept them where they are for a variety of reasons. 

You don’t want your child to be where they are and guess what?  Neither do they! The reality is they are in a difficult place in their life and you want a quick fix out of it. This is unchartered territory and no one ever prepared either of you for this. It is uncomfortable. It is terrifying. It is excruciatingly difficult. But guess what? It is your current reality. 

They are YOUR child and they deserve the compassion, patience and understanding to help them move forward. You may be as caught off guard as your child and yet they NEED you to be the one to keep your head on straight. The starting place is meeting your child where they are. Yes. Where THEY are. No matter how difficult, no matter how grim, no matter how unfamiliar the territory is to you or them. Possibly no one has ever given you this advice in this way before. Yet, you have never been in a place like this before. This is where they are.  This is where you are. This is where you begin. 

Most people stay in an uncomfortable mess way longer than they should because they are not accepting things for what they are. You certainly don’t have to like it. You can be as mad as hell at the situation, the disease and all the chaos that comes with it. As hard as it may be…try to separate your emotions of anger, disappointment and defeat from the situation and your loved one. They need you to be strong, and clear-minded and support them, not punish them. They need help out and up rather than guilt and disappointment added to their current struggles.  They need you to be present. Yes, this can be very, very hard. 

Take a very deep breath if you can. It may not be okay but you can’t stay stuck where you are and risk going further into the abyss. Neither can they. Stay strong. Breathe again and start to look at these areas to think about and work on. 

Listening: 

A big part of helping someone is listening. Truly listening. Don’t assume you have all the answers and know the situation entirely or at all. When someone is struggling with their mental health you need to hear their perception of things. You won’t get anywhere if you are acting and operating from only your perception and expectations. LISTEN. 

A few responses (after listening!) that can be helpful for someone going through a difficult time would be: “I heard what you were saying”,   Repeat what they said: “I heard you say XYZ”.  “I heard you when you were upset and I heard you say you needed my help”.  Repeat what you HEAR not what YOU ASSUME! “I was listening”. ”I heard you”... BECAUSE  I WAS LISTENING!  More deep breaths. 

It is unproductive to not listen and it only adds to the chaos of the situation and/or problem.  I wish I could put this on repeat…for those of you who have someone in your life struggling…Please listen. Really listen. Listen to what they are saying not what you want to hear. It makes a huge difference. 

Compassion: 

Have compassion. Learn compassion. Find compassion. Don’t just blame a person struggling as if this is all their choice. Their situation may be complicated. Imagine feeling at your lowest and everyone is against you yet you have no control over anything. Would you scream at a paraplegic to get up and run? Would you yell at someone dying from cancer? I surely hope not. Just because someone may look to be able-bodied that does not mean they are not paralyzed and suffering on the inside. 

Respect, compassion and empathy are not always easy to come by when you are a parent/caregiver and frustrated, at your wit’s end and may have even been manipulated. Not easy at all. BREATHE… BREATHE again and know that this is not easy for either of you. 

Patience:

It is important to find your inner strength and be calm. A lot of deep breaths. 

You need patience with yourself, with the person you are caring for and with the pace of progress. Any progress is progress. There are no quick fixes and we all operate on our own schedules. 

It takes time, listening, patience, compassion, stamina and hard work to move forward. This is not something where you can skip the steps to healing. It is gradual, it is a process of slowly building towards your goals. You can’t just put a cake pan in the oven and expect it to come out as a fully baked cake with frosting and decorations on it. You must do the steps, add the ingredients and mix them together to get to the finished product. This is very important: one step at a time. Manageable steps. Manageable for the person that you are helping. Not for you. Tiny steps forward.

“Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress no matter how slow” - PLATO. 

Encouragement:

Recognize that even the smallest tasks accomplished, changes made, efforts in the right direction and positive actions deserve praise and encouragement. Find the good in every moment, every day and celebrate it. Kind words can and will help your child move forward in a respectful, encouraging way. 

Acceptance: 

Acceptance is hard. There is no magic wand. It takes all the ingredients of listening, compassion, patience, encouragement and acceptance. Meeting them where THEY are and know that sometimes it is small steps forward with a few steps backward. That is not a reason to throw in the towel. It is a process. It is hard work. A part of acceptance is to believe in someone or something and to acknowledge the situation for what it is. Breathe and stay strong. And my goodness, give yourself a lot of grace. This is very, very hard stuff. 

As the caregiver, the parent, and the adult you may not be seen or heard yourself. You may be expected and asked to do things beyond your skill set and your abilities. Seek help for yourself through support groups and therapy. Remember to put your oxygen mask on first so that you can help your loved one. 

I am sorry you are where you are right now but know that you are still in the fight. 

Most importantly: NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.