September 9th: Today Versus a Year Ago
A year ago today was the worst day of my life. My entire world changed. My son, Jack, passed away from complications of fentanyl poisoning. It was a morning of EMT’s, police, lawyers, ambulance rides, false hope of recovery, life support, prayers, doctors, nurses and tragedy. The aftershocks have continued every, single day since. It wasn’t a normal day. It wasn’t a normal death. It was a complicated death. Complicated by all the factors surrounding it and all the circumstances that led to it and all the unanswered questions. A death that does not necessarily have all the answers is certainly considered: complicated.
This year has been difficult, sorrowful and devastating in so many ways. It has been a year of me walking in a fog, searching for answers, understanding and closure. As Jack said numerous times….”if the numbers don’t add up something is definitely off”. Well, things just didn’t add up and still don’t.
I have spent this year doing research and investigative work, looking for answers, speaking with professionals, advocating, helping myself and helping others. Most importantly, establishing Jack’s legacy: www.inspiredbyjack.org . It has been a year of getting myself dressed, fed and out of bed. A year of so many tears. A year of panic attacks, dissociating and confusion. Days with paralyzing moments and memories. Not sleeping, fumbling around in my life trying to breathe and find purpose. Releasing what I can not control. Laughing, crying, finding little reminders of Jack wherever I go. I have spent this year sharing our story with vulnerability in hopes of helping others. I have spent this year connecting and reconnecting with friends. I have also spent this year deepening my connection with myself and my faith.
A year of making the most that I can of this terrible tragedy. Fighting for what I know is true and believe in. A year of caring for myself and setting healthy boundaries. A year of supporting our dog, Jack’s turtle and my daughters while grieving. We are all grieving in our own ways and on our own schedules. We have all had our difficult days and lifted each other up the best we can. Losing a son is different than losing a sibling. Losing a sibling younger than you is different than losing a sibling older than you. For Max (our dog) it was losing his best friend and number one food dropper and belly rub guy. For Guadelupe (Jack’s turtle) it has been missing the guy who listened to loud music, fed him and kept him company every day.
So much has changed this year. ALL because of FENTANYL. All because of a SYNTHETIC OPIOID that poisoned my son. A drug that has no reason to be on the streets and in the hands of people all over the world. It is a game changer in the fact that it can and will kill you. It can easily be bought and it is a weapon of mass destruction.
No one should have to go through what Jack (and thousands of others) went through and lose their life. No one should have to go through what we as Jack’s family and friends have gone through losing him. The pain, the sorrow, the intense grief. Fentanyl is a game changer to our society and it is unpredictable, mischievous and cruel.
The calendar year may be coming to an end as far as marking the first anniversary of Jack’s death. That does not mean that the grief, sorrow and sadness is over. The “first” of every holiday, event, birthday etc. may be behind us but this is FOREVER and will hurt day after day, year after year. It also doesn’t mean that I am not done looking for answers, advocating for mental health and substance use disorder and justice.
Please be careful and look out for each other. Be careful in the choices you make. Be careful with who you hang out with. Be careful with your surroundings and who puts what into your drinks, food and what someone may offer you. Not everyone has your best interest in mind.
Jack’s death was not intentional but the consequences of the evening before he passed were irreversible and catastrophic. Please be kind and forgiving. Please don’t ever give up hope on anyone you love. If they are hurting, struggling and asking for help…they are trying. Be there for them and help them when they can not help themselves.
Jack was my son, my friend, a part of my soul and I miss him so very much. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live. Something happened that led to his unexpected passing that was beyond his control. Jack would be the first person to remind you to be careful, carry Narcan and keep going no matter what. Let his life be a lesson and a reminder how fragile we all are. A reminder to ALWAYS BE KIND and to be careful!
If you knew Jack you knew his kindness, selflessness, humor, intellect and what an inspiration he truly was. May those qualities continue forever through his legacy of the initiative “Inspired by Jack” in honor of the amazing person he truly was and fought so hard to continue to be and become.
Mindy